The Adventures of Mort and Chica Girl
by darkprediction
Summary: Collection of Oneshots about the two oddballs that are Mort and Chica Girl Finding shovels at the mall, or staring at the clouds....Read Mort Goes to the Orthodintist first.
1. Mall

Hi all. I wanted to make a sequel to Mort Goes to the Orthodontist. So these will all be little silly one-shots. Please feel free to give any suggestions as to where the two dorks should go!

(Disclaimer: I don't own Secret Window. I own "Chica Girl", but that kinda sucks. She can't even make a decent coffee.)

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The Mall

And so, united by a horrible orthodontist's appointment made worse by Shooter's re-appearance, Morton Rainey and his new friend, who he so endearingly named "Chica Girl" found themselves walking across the parking lot of the local Mall...

"You do know you're saying this all out loud." A teenaged girl in a black hoodie stated, looking at Mort Rainey.

Mort stared at the girl in amazement as he realized he was once again narrating his own life. (And I do mean again, but we won't get into that incedent involing a rubber band and a bendy straw.)

"And what do you mean 'endearingly'! You haven't even asked me my name!" She snapped.

"Ok then, what's your name, kid?" Mort tried.

"UGH! that's not even the point! Geez!" Chica Girl stormed into the mall entrance in a fit or girlish rage, leaving Mort to ponder upon the terror that is teenagers. Finally, he too walked into the mall. His little pal was waiting for him and reading the mall map display. "Where you wanna go first?" She asked cheerfully. Mort wanted to know if there was a book explaining these so called hormones. First she was happy-go-lucky, then well, you know. And now she was the same old carefree Chica.

"I dunno, hmm, we could--"

"Ohmigod! It's Johnny Depp!" A ear splittingly high pitched voice shot out. Mort was suprised and confused. The two turned to see a mob of screeching fangirls stampeeding their way to them. Chica Girl grabbed Mort's arm and dragged him away so that they were trying to outrun the mob. "Run Dude, RUN!" "Joooohnnyyyyyyy! Waiit!" "We looooove yooooouuu!" "Waaah! HELP MEEE!" Was heard throughout the building.

Mort finally managed to find a hiding spot on the merry-go-round by the food court. "Johnny who?" He asked his friend. She just rolled her eyes and shook her head, sending messy brown hair all about. Soon, the two had lost the rabid fangirls and hopped off of the fake horses they were riding on. Chica girl dusted off her plaid skirt, and Mort, feeling left out, pretended to clean his glasses.

"So, Mort, what do you need at the mall?" Chica asked him.

"I really wanted a nice new shovel, I lost mine. I really don't know why I need one, but I just want a new shovel." He mused. "Where can we find a shovel?"

Chica girl looked at him blankly. "A shovel? In the mall? Gee Mort, why didn't we just go to the Home Creepo? Or Wally-World?" She bit her lip as she thought for a moment. "Well, one store must have shovels. Maybe if we search hard enough we could find one. I mean, we have plenty of time, seeng as my parents saw no problem at all sending their sixteen year-old daughter out to the mall with some older horror book author that everyone thinks is crazy."

"Yes, that seems fine to me. Lovely plot device... Wait! I am NOT crazy!" Mort snapped. He glared at Chica. "Do you think I'm crazy?" He asked as if daring her. Then he started foaming at the mouth.

"Not at all, Rainey." Chica just said, as if they were discussing the weather. She took his arm and the marched onward. The two were on the shovel hunt until something caught our young heroine's (is that how you spell it?) eye. "Oooh! Hot Topic! I love that store. It's got some cool stuff, c'mon!"

"Like shovels?" Mort asked hopefully.

"Erm, I dunno. It's kinda gothy, not that I'm a goth or--"

"Maybe they'll have GOTH SHOVELS!" Mort shouted eagerly. Passers by gave him near frightened looks, and the Hot Topic shoppers looked insulted. Just because their souls were plunged into "eternal darkness" until they grew out of that phase didn't mean they were goths! He realized that his little pal was allready in the store, so he went to find her. He saw her digging through a bucket of pins. He looked at the one she was holding. It had a picture of Captain Jack Sparrow on it. It looked so farmilliar.

"Who's that guy?" Mort asked Chica Girl. "He looks farmilliar."

Chica rolled her eyes. "Look like anyone you've seen, Mort? Maybe in the mirror, even?" She was a bit annoyed by the cluelessness he had when it came to his eerie resemblance to Johnny Depp.

"Me? No way! That ugly guy? I was gonna say it looked like some loser on the bus I saw. " Mort rambled, not realizing he was in a way dissing himself . "You think I look like him?"

"They do too." Chica Girl said, pointing towards the shop window. The fangirl army all had their noses pressed against the glass. They eyed him hungrily as their drool trailed down the window. "And we'd better move." The girls were rapping at the glass barbarically. "Quick! They won't like fire! Light this torch!" She ordered Mort as she pulled a torch out of her purse.

"How did you know that? And more importantly, where did that come from!" Mort demanded, lighting the torch.

"Haven't you ever seen Night of the Living Dead?" Chica Girl asked. The fangirls were starting to take on zombie like traits. Mort had them in a trance as they stupidly tried to walk through the glass, occaisionally moaning "Jooooohhhhnnnnnyyyyyy" In a low scary voice. Chica was right. He hoped he wouldn't have to beat any of their heads in. That was Shooter's job. The two rushed out of the shop, and Mort brandished the flaming torch. The fangirls backed away in fear, and soon, Mort could run to safety.

It seemed as if the mall went on forever, and yet, no shovels so far. Chica Girl had dragged Mort into Claires and Game Stop, but no shovels. Mort had even wandered into a hair products store. One of the women at the counter looked extremely pleased. Judging from the unkept condition of the man, she definately had a customer.He just had to be buying at least one bottle of shampoo. The other woman glared at him. Such a greasy haired man. How could he do that? He was clearly insane. Chica Girl just grinned at the sight of Mort in an uptight beauty store.

After hours of roaming the mall, and 12 Cinnabon stops later, Mort saw something so beautiful that it made him fall to his knees. It was the most glorious shop in the whole building. The illuminated sign above the door read: "Shovels 'R Us" Chica Girl stared at Mort as tears of joy streamed down his face.

"You know Rainey, you are such a sad case..." She sighed, helping him up off of his knees. "Lets go and grab a shovel quick. This store looks like a redneck's delight." She said.

"You can't just go and grab a shovel! It has to be perfect! It's the shovel that choses the man, Miss Chica." He said quite passionately, as if he truly meant it. Chica Girl just backed away a couple of feet. Together they entered the convenient shovel store. There were shelves, walls, and displays lined with shovels. Every size, shape and color. From garden spades to heavy duty shovels.

Mort stared at this shovel heaven in awe. "It's so beautiful." He whispered. Chica girl rolled her eyes and stepped away form a very charming (cough) looking hick in a tattered NASCAR shirt. Mort looked like a kid in a candy shop. He turned to Chica and said entusiastically, "I feel like a kid in a candy shop!" He ran up and down the aisles, occaisionally stopping and looking shovels. He'd see one and pick it up, hold it for a minute and shake his head, muttering "Nope, not the one." Chica girl trudged along closely behind, yet she wanted to give her friend some space. For her own safety, that is.

Time seemed to drag on slowly and Chica girl let out another sigh. Sigh number thirty seven, actually. She was keeping count. This was worse than when her mother used to drag her along shopping. Soon though, Mort gasped. Chica Girl looked up to see him take a shovel. It had to be the oldest looking thing in the store. It was merely a faded wooden handle and a shoddy metal um digging thing, whatever you call that part. Mort sighed dreamily at it. He stroked it, and Chica Girl stepped back a bit. It was when he started to lick the shovel when she spoke. "I think I'll give you a little alone time with that thing. Okay, Mort?"

"No time, Chica! We must purchase this beauty!" He exclaimed. When he saw the look Chica was giving him he said, "I mean, I must purchase it...sorry. I just got carried away." Chica Girl nodded, and they bought the piece of crap, I mean shovel. "It seems that everythig turned out okay today!" Mort said brightly, as they left the shop. A farmilliar sound caught their attention.

"Johnny!" "Please come back!" "You know you loooove us!" The fangirls were back. Chica Girl got ready to pull Mort away, but he jumped towards the mob.

"Johnny WHO? I ain't this Johnny feller you speak of! Now git before yeh get a taste of mah shiny new shovel!" He yelled in a southern accent. Shooter was back. The blondest and most twitchy of the group stepped forward. She must have been the leader.

"Chhyeeaaahh, like we care who you are! You still look like Johnny Depp! We must--" She was cut off by a rude smack to the face...with a shovel. The high pitched screams of the rest of the girls seemed to snap Mort out of it.

"Damnit, Shooter framed me again! Chica, you saw it, right." The girl said nothing. "RIGHT!" She nodded. The fangirls still continued to try to grab at Mort. "You stop that! The only one I'm hanging out with today is my frieind,...um, Chica Girl! So piss off!" He said, still not knowing the girl's name. The rabid fan-mob glared daggers at Chica as she stuck her tongue ot at them behind Mort's back, as if saying "Look who gets to chill with the good lookin' dude!"

As Mort was driving Chica Girl home, he asked, "So, am I supposed to call you Chica?" The girl just grinned at him.

"I'll tell you my name." She said as they pulled up to her house. "Later." And she hopped out of the muddy car that had "wash me!" written on the side, thanks to our little Chica Girl.

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So tell me what you think, and still, I'm open to any suggestions!

Love, Mole!


	2. Clouds

(I was starting a whole different short, but it turned into this, instead. I hope you all liked the Mall adventure. Here's a really short story for waiting for the next one. Um, enjoy!

And to some of my reviewers,

snufflesgal: I wish they sold them, too!

Danielle: That's a great Idea. After seeing Willy Wonka I really wanted to write someting about it.

Lip Butter: Vegas would be Hilarious!)

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Clouds

Mort was walking in the park that was in the town called Meepsville. It was the next town over from Tashmore Lake. He went to the Meepsville park, because nobody liked him to be outside in Tashmore Lake. Mort really didn't care. He wasn't even sure if his town actually had a park. If it did, then it probably sucked.

He strolled idly over the grassy lawns, looking for inspiration for his next book. Knowing Mort's writing style, the only reason he'd be looking at a sunny park would be if he were writing about some horrible sickko that killed people in broad daylight in the summer. Parks didn't seem to go with murder mysteries and horror. Mort was just realizing this when he tripped over something. Or someone, actually.

"Geez! Watchit, you- Oh. Funny seeing you here, Mort." Said whoever Mort tripped over. He knew that voice. He looked up from the ground to see the one and only Chica Girl lying on her back in the grass. "Wotcha doin'?" She asked curiously, fiddling with a rip in the left knee of her jeans.

"Oh, I was just looking for inspiration. I'm a writer, you know. Wait. Why were you lying on the ground like that?" He asked.

"I was looking at the clouds, what else?" chica girl asked, as if everyone who's anyone looks at the clouds. "I was really bored, so I took a walk to the park. Then I got tired, 'cause I'm lazy, and now here we are." She explained. "Just lookin' at the clouds." Mort rolled onto his back, and started watching the sky as well.

"Erm, Chica..." Mort started. Still looking up at the sky as he spoke.

"Yeah?" Came chica Girl's lazy reply.

"You said you were just looking at the clouds?"

"Uh huh..."

"You do know that there's nothing but blue in the sky, right? It's a cloudless sunny day." He stated plainly.

"Geez, Mort. You seriously have to ruin all the fun, don't ya?"

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(Well that's it for now. I thought it was kinda just a fun little thing. Till then, readers.

Love, Mole!)


	3. Movies

(Sorry for the wait! School, what can one do? Anyways it's my Junior year, so things are getting more hectic. I swear, chemistry is the bane of my existance! So hopefully this one is funny. I'm trying to get back into writing. My account is still a little screwy, so I don't know when the next post will be up. Well, enjoy!)

**Disclaimer: I do not own Secret window, or anything elso you might recognise in this story. I own Chica Girl, though!**

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**Movies**

Morton Rainey was sprawled lazily across his couch, napping peacefully when the phone rang. He tried to ignore it, but finally after the third ring, he couldn't. He picked. up.

"Hullo..." He murmered.

"Hey Mort. I need your help." came the voice on the other end.

"Whozis?..." He slurred.

There was an annoyed sigh on the other end. "For a guy with no other friends, this is sad. It's me! Your only friend!"

"Oh, Hey, CG." He managed.

"CG? I won't ask. Although it's a lot easier than Chica girl. Anyways, you gotta take me to the movies, man!" Said, erm, CG.

"Why? You can drive, can't you?" Mort asked, confused.

"Well yeah, but I can't get into a rated R movie, you dolt! I wanna see that new zombie flick!" She said as if it was the most obvious thing. "I'll drive, even!" She offered.

"Fine... You're buying the popcorn, though." He gave in.

Twenty minutes later, there was a car horn beeping from Mort's driveway. Mort grabbed his keys and wallet and stumbled lazily out the front door, locking it up behind him. He hopped into the passenger seat and they were off. The ride was ok, except for the fact that there were a bunch of movie soundtrack songs playing in a random order. Mort was a little weirded out when CG started singing "This is Halloween", but even more freaked when she sang "Magic Dance". She even tried to involve Mort in this.

"You remind me of the babe..."

"What babe?"

"The babe with the power..."

"Shut up." Needless to say, Chica Girl was a bit insulted. Not much longer after that, the two arrived at the Super-Duper Plex in Meepsville, CG's hometown. Mort bought the tickets and followed CG to the snack bar, where the smell of popcorn wafted through the air. Chica Girl went to buy one large bucket of popcorn, when Mort stopped her.

"No, that one's too small. Forget it, I'll buy!" He hissed as if his friend had made a fatal error. He went and bought two Jumbo-normous tubs of popcorn, and they went to find their movie. When they got tho the right theatre, they found a seat near the back. CG glanced at the man beside her and noticed that his popcorn was already half gone! Not only that, but he was shoveling it down at an alarming rate. Chica began picking at her own popcorn, but she found the loud eating noises coming from Mort were distracting... and slightly disturbing.

"You really like corn, don't yeh?" She asked, oddly. It was the truth, though. He was always going on about his corn garden or boiling corn on the cob or how wonderful corn was in general. It was borderline obsessive. She had yet to join him in a corn dinner, which he was always inviting her to.

"Hurrum?" Mort asked with his mouth full to the bursting point with corn. He swallowed. "You are disturbing my corn time!" He snapped. CG shank back a bit. "You don't _understand _just how great corn is! It is my one true love in this world! OH, CORN I LOVE THEE!" He shrieked. Chica Girl was about to hide under her seat, when the movie started, and someone screamed for Mort to shut his popcorn hole.

The movie ended a couple hours later. By now, the popcorn was gone. Mort and Chica Girl waited for the theatre to clear out a bit before getting up to leave.

"Oh, man! That movie was insane!" CG exclaimed gleefully. " I loved the part with the zombies!"

"Chica it was a zombie movie. There were a lot of parts with the zombies..." Mort sighed.

Chica Girl paused for a second, but then leapt up onto her chair like an enthusiastic five-year-old. "Yeah but when the zombies were like 'Aaarrrghhh!' and the people were like 'Oooh run! Zombies! Aaaaah!' and they were like-" She started making zombie noises and extravagant hand gestures. This went on for a full minute, as if she were re-enacting a scene from the movie play-by-play. "And then they ate their head!" She finished with a dopey grin.

Mort just stared. A few people still in the room gave her looks of pity. Chica Girl seemed not to notice this and checked her watch. "Oh, wow. I thought it'd be later than this." She sounded disapointed.

"We could see another movie, but I really don't feel like paying." Mort told her.

Chica Girl just looked at him like he was an idiot. "Pay? _Don't be lame_." She scoffed. "We just make sure nobody's looking and run to the nearest screen room whatcha-ma-callit." And so they poked their heads out of the door and the coast was clear. They dashed into the next showing of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. "I wanted to see this, anyways!" CG said brightly as they took a seat near the back.

So far, the film was going great. Even Mort, who was suffering major corn withdrawl, chuckled at the jokes. Then it hit him. That guy in the movie looked awfully farmilliar.

"That guy in the movie looks awfully farmilliar." Mort said with wide eyes.

Chica Girl rolled her eyes. "We've been over this before! He looks like yo--"

"I got it! That ugly dude on the bus! Remember We discussed this at the mall! Yeah." Mort said, still oblivious of his resemblance to Johnny Depp. CG shook her head sadly. She continued watching the movie until the sounds of two overly hormonal teenagers "watching a movie" drifted from the back of the theatre. Chica Giurl thought she had the problem resolved when she threw a handfull od "Good-N-Plenty"s at them (No, she didn't waste good candy. She found them on the floor.) They persisted after a minute or so. Chica Girl was about to fling a twizzler their way, (Don't worry, still floor candy!) when Mort stood up. CG was about to ask him where he got the big black hat, but he walked away towards the annoying couple.

"Are yeh two sunnova guns quite finished?" Asked a man with a southern drawl. "'Cause I'm abou' ready to introduce you to Mr. Screwdriver. And boy, he ain't all that friendly, Pilgrim."

"Hey, man! Sorry, Just stop freakin us out!" Came a worried boy's voice.

"That's a good lad.." Shooter said, and he made his way back to Chica Girl.

Later that evening, CG pulled into Mort's driveway to drop him off. "Did you like the movies, Mort?" She asked as he got out of the car.

"Yeah, but I think I fell asleep during the Chocolate Factory one." Mort yawned."Hey, want a corn dinner?"

"No thanks, man. Maybe next time."

"Ok, but you're missing out!" Mort called over his shoulder as his little friend drove off. It was time to make dinner, and he sure had a hankering for some corn on the cob!

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(And there you have it! I was thinking about sending them to an amusement park or something. Who knows what kind of trouble they could get into! Thank you all for your reviews! You guys are awesome. I love hearing all your ideas.) 


	4. The Snow Sucks

Hey people! My inspiration for thit little story is the big snowstorm we got. That's pretty much it. I hope you enjoy it.******

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**The Snow Sucks**

The room was pitch black. It was very calm, only the sound of soft breathing was to be heard, until:

"Beepbeepbeepbeepbeep!" An alarm clock was screeching obnoxiously for about three minutes until the sound of a fist pounding plastic was heard. "Click" A television was turned on and the room was illuminated be an eerie blue light. A teenage girl's face came into focus. She stared at the T.V. bleary eyed, s if the light hurt. After her eyes adjusted, she looked at the screen in disbelief. Soon, though, a grin spread across her tired features.

"Nooooo schooool!" She squealed. Leaping up, she went to look out her window. Sure enough, the ground was white. Although it was very dark out still, the girl could tell that it was snowing. The girl jumped back into her nice, warm bed, muttering, " Take that, history test..." Within seconds she was out cold.

Meanwhile, in the next town over, a man sat up grumpily in his bed. Someting had woken him up...but what. Scratching his stubbly chin, he noticed a draft coming through the window pane. Ah, that was enough to wake him. It was cold. He rolled out of bed and looked out the window. Snow. Perfect. This meant he'd have to shovel later. Who knew when the snow would stop. the weather around these parts was unpredictable. Muttering to himself, he grabbed a heavy wool blanket from his closet and crawled back into bed, spreading the blanket over himself. it was too early to do anything else but sleep.

Noon rolled around and the girl finally turned up downstairs for food. She found herself in an empty house, as her parents had work. After happily noticing that the driveway had been plowed, she went to the refridgerator for some cold pizza. She wondered if her friend was busy today. The snow stopped and the roads looked divable, even for her pathetic car. After scarfing down her breakfast, she picked up the phone.

"Hey, Morttiiieee!"

"Huh? Oh, hi CG. Was school canceled?"

"No, I'm just skipping like the super-bad kid I am! Honestly..."

"Well, what do you want?" Mort wasn't one for phone conversation, and he didn't want Chica Girl to start thinking she could just gab at him like he was one of her girlfriends.

"I'm looking for something to do. Wanna go sledding?"

"Aren't you too old for that? No? Well, why don't you help me shovel the driveway or someting? "

"That sounds boring... but fine. I guess it's better than sitting around waiting for my soap opera to come on."

"Oooh! Soaps?" Mort sounded too enthusiastic. "We should watch General Hospital together today!" So that was the plan. Shoveling and then some good ol' soap operas!

After getting dressed in warm winter clothes, Chica Girl hopped in her car and drove to her pal Mort's house. She had a lot of trouble getting up the driveway, so after a while she just left het car sitting there, halfway to the house. After trudging through the snow, a slightly miffed Chica Girl knocked on Mort's front door. Her ruffled and unkept friend answered it and let her in. The happy little squirrels in the trees chattered to eachother, discussing the disturbing-ness of the scene.

"Your driveway sucks, Rainey. You should really shovel it before inviting friends over."

"I thought you invited yourself! And you said you'd help me shovel today."

"Oh yeah, I forgot." So the two went out to find some shovels. They got sidetracked, though, when CG suggested that they make a snowman. So they did and it was nearly done. Mort went to go get a hat for it and when he came back, Chica Girl had turned it into a snow woman. "Snowmen are starting to get boring. Here's a snow lady!"

"You gave the snowman snow-boobs?" Mort was at a loss.

"Don't stare at her, perv! Get her some cover." But instead, Mort had a better plan. He removed the snowballs on the snowlady's torso with his boot, making it normal again. "Fine, it's a snow-transvestite. Nevermind, Mort, snowmen are boring." So they went to look for sometihing better to do. All the while, CG made fun of Mort's ski-pants.

"You're all bow-legged! Are those the suspender kind? Oooh they are! hehehe!"

Mort sighed and then suggested a snow shovel fight, but instead of suggesting it, he just started it...without warning. Luckily, Chica Girl did not have bow-legged ski-pants and so ever nimble, she trudged through the snow and started whipping snowballs at Mort's face. "Eat that, bitch!' She hollared, making her friend drop his shovel.

Mort fell over and had some difficulty getting back up. "Ah, the snow sucks!" He whined. CG agreed, since Mort had no sled, or hill to sled on. After a while, they remembered that they were supposed to shovel, so they set off to the driveway with their shovels and got to work. It only too about an hour, since the road was narrow, but still, it was enough for Chica Girl to sing the "I hate soeling song"

"I hate shoveling. It is not so sweet. It is wicked laaame... I need a real songwriter!" Was the chorus of the song. But they made it through the shoveling in one, well, two pieces, and it was nearly time for their soap opera! Leaving their snowy boots on the porch, they went inside to take off their snow-covered jackets and whatnot.

"Do you have any hot chocolate, Rainey?" CG asked.

"Yeah I can make some, oh and would you like some nice hot corn on the cob, too? Seriously, there's nothing better then nice hot corn on a cold winter's day!" Mors said with an odd glimmer in his eye.

"Erm, not for me, thanks.. I thought corn was a summer food. But some Doritos would be pretty sweet! I'll go turn on the T.V." They both settled down on the sofa and watched their favorite show, both of them would periodically yell at the screen when a character was about to do something stupid. Then a commercial came on. It was a movie starring Johnny Depp.

"Oooh! He's such a pretty man!" Chica Girl said.

"Really? I always thought he was kinda ugly. You know, I'm so much better looking."

"Are you sure he's ugly? You two have a striking resemblance. I've told you that like eighty times. You're like dissing yourself. "

"Oh, so... Am _I _a pretty man?"

"No, see you're _not _Johnny."

"Your logic throws me a bit. Wait. Johnny who?"

"Shush! The show's back on!"

And so, that's it. For one day, it was peaceful. no screaming fangirls, no Shooter---

"'Ey there Pilgrim! Y'think yeh could shut yer yap? Mah frien' and I here are tryin' teh watch our stories! Don't make me get mah shovel!" Ok, so maybe there was some Shooter, but my main point remanins, and that is, THE END!

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How was that? Um, kinda boring? Funny? Tell me! And please check out my new Labyrinth fic. It's pretty funny. Who else watches GH? No shame in it, hehe! That Jason Morgan is pretty fine! 


	5. Show and Tell not like that, perv

Here's yet another Mort and Chica Girl. I've been in a Secret Window kinda mood, I guess. I bet you can all guess the inspiration for this one! I'll tell you now that _**almost**_ everyone in this story is based on real people. No names, though. Not real ones. Erm, Mort and Shooter, not real. Duh. Oh! I also attempted some French in this one. It's funny to say that I attempted it, seeing as I'm in the French Honor Society (no clue how that one happened.) I'll translate it on the bottom for those as bad as I am at French. Well, actually, I bet I'm better! Hehe... Still, keep in mind that it's not very good French, and I'm too lazy to look it up, so it's my way today! Yep.

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**Show and Tell (not like that, perv!)**

Morton Rainey looked around him uncomfortably. Everyone was looking at him funny and talking behind their hands as if they didn't realize he noticed. Worst of all, his sweater felt itchy. You know that new sweater feeling? Well, Mort hated it. In fact, he hated sweaters, but of course, she made him wearing. Sadly Mort realized that his situation sounded like one of a little school boy resenting his mother's outfit choice. It was worse than that, though.

"Come on Mort, you look fine! You said you'd do this for me!" Chica Girl said impatiently, earlier that morning. She was standing in his doorway tapping her foot, bookbag slung over her shoulder.

The man just looked at his friend, defeated. "Yeah." He muttered, grudgingly. He walked with her to her beat up little car and they drove off. "So tell me again why I have to go to school with you?" He asked, turning down the girls very loud music.

"For show and tell. I'm goin' to bring you in this week to show everyone."

"Isn't show and tell a little young for students your age?"

"No! Juniors always have a share day!" Chica Girl told Mort. "I know you haven't been to highschool since like, the Stone Age, but things are different in this century."

"Ouch, I'm not that old." Mort wimpered dejectedly. By Seven a.m., they had reached Meepsville High and were at Chica Girl's locker. And there Mort was, feeling nervous and stupid in his itchy new sweater. Some students were looking at him oddly, wondering if he was a student. A lot of girls were giving him the googly eyes.

"Damn preps..." CG growled as a clique of cheerleaders giggled by. "They're part of the fangirl army, y'know."

Mort nodded. He thought he recognised one of the blonde twitchy ones. Probably because she saw Mort and mumbled somehting about shovels to her friends before running away. "What class do you have show and tell in, anyways?" Mort asked.

"Oh, English class. And French. That's first and last periods."

"I have to stay here all day!"

"Yep! Oh don't look at me that way! Lunch is on me today, pal." CG turned away to talk with some of her friends, who kept grinning at Mort. Soon, though, the bell rung and Chica Girl dragged Mort off to her french class. This was going to be _fun_.

"Bon jour, mes amis! Aujourd'hui, j'ai appris mon ami, Morton Rainey. Il habite dans Tashmore Lake. Il est un écrivain. Euh... Il résemble Johnny Depp-" Squeals from the girl students. " Il n'ai pas des amies, sauf moi! Il est un peu bete." Laughter from class. Mort frowned, he didn't speak any French. " Il aime le maize et il ne se lave pas! Il _ne fume pas_. Il a tuer mon euh...orthodontist-é." Chica Girl grinned cheesily, and the teacher frowned. "Nous allons au centre-commercial et la cinéma, et...oh il aime porter les vetements pour la femme!" More laughter and frowns from the teacher. Mort looked helplessly around for an explanation, but nobody gave him one. They just smiled. A couple of boys fluttered their eyebrows mockingly.

"Merci beaucoup, Minou." The teacher said. After class, Chica Girl skipped hapily down the halls until Mort, carrying her books, stopped her.

"Ha! Your name is Minou! I finally know." He said triumphantly.

CG laughed. "My French nickname is Minou, oui, c'est vrai! It's like the French version of fluffy. However, my real name is not Minou. Yep oh hurry up before-"

"Hey there!" A crazy looking man walked up to the two. "Oh wow, is that Johnny Depp?"

"Erm, hi. Yeah, how about you go take a picture with him." CG said. Sacrificing her friend as to get away from the lunatic.

"OK!" Said the strange person. "Come on, I'll show you my Barbie Doll collection! Oh, they'll want an autograph!" He smiled with a derranged look in his eyes. Mort turned to Chica Girl and mouthed, 'help me,' but the girl just smiled.

"I'll be down that hall in the room with the big window in the front. You can't miss it! Erm, later, Sir!" She said to the teacher currently dragging Morton down the hall.

Fifteen minutes later, Mort found himself staring into a classroom through a big window. Sure enough, his selfish little friend was in there. He was glad to have gotten away. The scary Barbie guy got angry with him when Mort signed his own name, he had called him, "Evil imposter! No good pirate! And the oddest thing was when he threw a singing hampster doll at him. Mort ran for it. Now, Mort was looking at his friend. She was clearly at a loss, trying to decipher what was on the chalkboard. He looked at the number on the door. So that was what had her distraught. "Chemistry 101" He decided to wait outside, that is, until he was noticed by several of the students.

"Sir, what are you doing?" Asked the teacher, fed up with the distraction.

"Oh, um, "

CG came to the door as well. "Sorry, Doc. This is my show-and-tell project." 'Doc.' looked at Mort for a moment and said,

"Hm, well, he can either come in or wait for you in the cafeteria." He pointed down the hall. Mort saw that the cafeteria was right by crazy dude's room, so he walked into the chem. lab. Class resumed and the students were thrown into a never-ending torrent of confusing science guff. Mort was about to nod off, like the boy who was sitting next to CG, but was saved by the bell. Mort scooped up his friend's books and they hurried to the next class.

Chorus class went uneventful for the first half of the period. Mort was glad for that. The director, though soon decided to help out his soprano section. Now, one may think, "Should he really try to sing that high?" But the man most certainly did. He was singing even higher than little Chica Girl, a mere alto. The director's soprano voice was a bit shreiky and Mort winced as he struch a high C. Everyone winced. A window cracked. The fire alarm went off. In the near distance, dogs began to howl. Class got out early that day.

Computer class was also boring. Mort did manage to find a few wonderful websites, however. His favorite was the international corn farmer's page. It was truly beautiful. The teacher looked at him kindly and asked if he was ok when tears brimmed in his eyes. The Home Creepo had a sweet sale on all digging tools, as well. Mort made a mental note to go later.

Finally, it was time for lunch. Chica Girl couldn't have been happier. They found a table where CG's friends were and Mort dropped off the heavy textbooks with much relief. They hopped into the lunch line and waited for their turn. Some girls tried to cut them in line, but stopped when a southern drawl came into hearing. "You little ladies weren't about to cut us, now, where yeh?" It seemed Shooter came out when he was hungry.

"Aren't you Johnny Depp? You better look out. When the rest of us fangirls are around, you will have to admit your love for us!"

"Ma'am, I believe yer mistaken." Shooter said dangerously. "I'm not this Johnny feller. I'm John Shootuh! And yer lucky that I don' have my shovel handy." To that, the girls nervously faund their place in the back of the line. Once inside the kitchen, The two grabbed plastic trays and looked at their food choices. Chica Girl grabbed a turkey grinder, some chips, and a salad, while Mort, I mean, Shooter piled his tray up with corn.

Chica Girl payed, while Shooter smiled at the lunch lady, tipping his hat. "My my, you must love your corn, huh?"

"Why, yes I do. Now I must be goin' as my friend is leavin'." Shooter joined CG as she slathered mayonaise on her sub. She drowned her salad in ranch dressing and they made their way to the table.

"Hi guys! This is Mort!" Chica Girl beamed at her friends, who looked at her with unsure expressions. "Oh, I mean John. John Shooter. Sorry." Shooter only smiled and tipped his hat. "Where did that hat come from?" CG asked. Shooter looked at her funny. "It's my hat..." He told her. Chica Girl tried to strike up a conversation with the other girls, but they seemed transfixed on Shooter, inhaling corn like a vaccum cleaner. She couldn't blame them, though. It was a sight. Like a car accident. It's so horrible that you shouldn't look... but you must! There was a moment, that Shooter did pause from his horrible eating. He looked up, eyes narrowed, corn all over his face, and stared at the Principal of the school.

"I know that man..."

"Who, Mr. Joker?"

"No, Clemintine!" For some reason, probably because it was a southern sounding name, Shooter was convinced that Chica Girl was Clemintine. "That man there... He's Chef Boyardee!"

"..._Chef Boyardee_?"

"That's what I said, Clem! Lookit 'im!" Chica Girl did so. Wow he really did have an eerie resemblance to the man on the Beef-a-Roni can. Crazy.. "Now, he don' know it, but I'm on to him. He thinks he's got y'all fooled, but not me. Not ol' Shootuh. No sir-ee! Now, I'll be a-watchin him, Clem." Shooter said, as if indulging his friend in a huge secret.

Mort finally snapped out of it right before the last class of the day, but not before an enconter with a fangirl mob.

"There he is! Get him." They expected him to run, but Shooter never runs. Ever! He ain't no coward. He just turned to the mass of girls and stared them down. Being creatures of an inferior intelligence, the preppies charged, not knowing that they should fear this man. Shooter punched open a fire extinguisher door. He then bashed in the heads of anyone who dared try to rip off his hat, or glasses, or clothes in that matter. Fangirls are scary things! For good measure, he sprayed the whole mob with the extunguisher, and then, Shooter took off. "C'mon, Clemintine!" Theyran as fast as they could to Chica Girl's English class. The last class of the day, Mort was back and in a dazed stupor as they entered the classroom.

They took their seats and the lesson began. All of the students had their show and tell projects with them. Mort was surprised to find that Chica Girl was right about Juniors actually still doing this. CG was the last to present her project. She nervously walked to the front of the room, pulling Morts arm.

"Hello everybody, um, today I brought in this Mort to share with you. Erm, he writes and sleeps a lot. He is an amatuer corn farmer and yeah. He likes shovels, Doritos, corn, Mountain Dew, and stuff. I'd like to show you some tricks he can do." Ghica Girl took out a paper bag. She also pulled out a hula hoop, nobody was sure where it came from, though. She nodded to Mort and held up the hoop. "Through!" She barked and Mort obeyed by jumping through the hoop and landing on the other side, looking at her expectantly. CG got the hint and took somehting out of her paper bag. It was a baby corn, like those in a fancy salad or somehting.

"Stay!" The girl ordered, placing the baby corn on the bridge of Mort's nose, so that it rested on the rim of his glasses. "Ready...get it!" Mort flicked back his head and tossed the corn, catching it in his teeth. "Good Mort!" Chica Girl patted the man on the head proudly. By the end of the period, she had him do a backflip and speak for the students. Everyone applauded.

"So, Rainey, how'd you do today?" Chica Girl asked, driving him home.

"Man, highschool sucks. It was like...re-living a sucky erm, day in highschool."

"Yeah, school is pretty lame. Especially my school."

* * *

Here's your rough translation: "Good day, my friend! Today, I brought my friend, Morton Rainey. He lives in Tashmore Lake. He's a writer. Er...he looks like Johnny Depp."--"He doesn't have any friends, except me! He's a bit dumb."--"He likes corn, he doesn't bathe, He _doesn't smoke_. He killed my...er, orthodontist."--"WE go to the mall and the movies...oh! and he wears women's clothing!"

That's pretty much it! I hope you liked this story, and I'd love to hear your opinions!


	6. clouds II

Hey Readers! I just kinda whipped this one up out of sheer boredom. I had the idea for a long time, though. Thanks to my pal, Jilene Marr. Check out her work! Funny stuff. Well, read up, fanfic zombies!

* * *

**Clouds II**

Once again, Morton Rainey found himself absent mindedly strolling through Meepsville Park. It was a pleasant day. Partly cloudy, but warm. A perfect day for brainstorming. He wasn't quite making his writing quota. He blamed youth culture...And clowns.

That's not quite the point, though. All one needs to know is that Morton Rainey was in fact at the park. He looked around him. How nice it was today. The sun was shining, the children were frollicking, the birds were singing, and the Chica Girl was lying on her back in the grass. Mort did a double take. What was his only friend doing here. Besides the fact that this was her home town, it was odd to see her just lying about. Especially since she said she was busy when he offerd her a nice boiled corn breakfast! Well! He definately had to point this out to her. And so he went to do so.

"Hm, fancy seeing you here, Chica," Mort began in an accusing tone. "Thought you were previously engaged today." He used big words, hoping to sound smart and just in totally busting his "friend".

"Why my dearest Rainey! It certainly is a surprise!" Chica girl said, mocking her pal. "Indeed I am engaged today. You see, I am looking at the clouds. It's the coolest thing, y'know."

Mort suddenly had a major case of deja vu. "I thought we allready tried this cloud thing," he said. He clearly remembered the day that he tripped over the girl and ended up staring at nonexistent clouds.

As if reading Mort's mind, Chica spoke. "See? There are actually clouds today." With that, she turned her attention skyward. Mort sighed and sat next to her, also looking up. Chica Girl started finding wonderful shaped in the puffy clouds. A duck, a turtle, a windmill, a clown, which wasn't so wonderful, as they are the second most responsible cause for Mort's writer's block. The poor writer was beginning to grow jealous of his friend's imagination and tried to find some shapes for himself.

"Ah, see there? An airplane... oh no. That's not a cloud."

"You're not looking good enough, Rainey. Look over where I'm pointing. See? It's a puppy!"

Mort looked and saw it. "Oh, I see it!" He stared at it and then got a maniacal glint in his eye. "And see above it? A screw driver! And looke it's swinging down on the puppy and into it's head! And there's blood! And the puppy dies, dies, dies, dieee---ack ack!"

Mort's insane rave was cut short by Chica Girl sprinkling up-rooted blades of grass onto his face. "Geez, you really should see someone. That's a bit worrying, Mort. You might be a bit mental."

"Oh, man! I think it's in my eyes. Ah...Up my nose... Nope not in my eyes, that's my glasses. Ahh... my nothse!" The grass covered man was not paying attention to the teen's advise. Chica Girl quietly got up and walked away, completely unnoticed by Mort, who was still gagging on blades of grass. All this getting out in the fresh air and using her imagination was rotting her mind away. She walked home, wondering which video game to play.

* * *

Yep, those darn video games and youth culture... And freaking scary clowns. Actually, I've been playing a lot of video games for my standards. Anyone play Champions of Norath? My bro. showed me it and it's fun. but that's beyond the point. Tell me what you thought about the story! 


End file.
